Tales of a badass
by Erutaretiltneced
Summary: A young Naruto stumbles upon a book written by none other than the great Shinigami, Zaraki Kenpachi himself. The book details some of his life, and instructs the reader on how to become a badass of his level. Will Naruto take the words to heart? AU fic


**Tales of a badass- Prologue  
**

The dark and sterile laboratories of the Twelfth Division seemed near void of people at night. Sunday nights, however, were the exception; seeing as on Sunday nights, the lab was completely barren, having only automated systems running, to insure nothing untoward would happen with the absence of the usual night staff.

Tonight was a Sunday night. Therefore, one would be quite surprised to note that two dark figures were busy inside the labs. Both the figures wore the standard shinigami Shihakushō complimented with white haori's. The shorter of the two, had the inside of his haori colored a dark green; while the taller one's haori was colored a deep purple, in addition to that, his haori's sleeves were torn off. Both seemed to be arguing over something.

"Dammit... Would you stop your annoying yammering and just do it already?," the taller and more daunting looking figure seemed to growl.

The smaller figure, closely resembling a traditional clown rolled his eyes in response. "Foolish Kenpachi. This is a delicate process! Might I remind you of the ramifications, of what might happen if whatever you put in that book makes any significant alterations to causality would do? One slight miscalculation and existence as we know it would be eternally forfeit!"

Zaraki Kenpachi, Captain of the Eleventh Division of the Gotei 13, merely shook his head in annoyance, the bells in his hair, ringing in the silence of the darkened labs. "You've given me more lectures than I can take, Mayuri-teme. I didn't give a damn about your pretty words back then, and I sure as hell don't give a damn now. So just hurry up so that we can get this over with. I'd like to get some sleep."

Kurotsuki Mayuri scowled in response. "Then have some patience, buffoon. Genius takes time to come into fruition."

The darkened laboratory was silent for several minutes, before the spike-haired male spoke. "So, are you sure you will be able to send the book in such a way, that my past self will actually see the book and not just ignore it?"

The twelfth division captain's eye glimmered evilly as a dark smirk stretched across his face. "Oh, I can assure you, Zaraki Kenpachi, it will be rather hard _not _to notice it once sent," he then let out an arrogant chuckle. "And if that doesn't work, I'll be sending through an extra precautionary measure to insure it does."

The other captain rose an eyebrow, but didn't comment, instead turning his attention to the scientist's shelves. He studied a brain sealed in a jar with morbid curiosity, then moved his attention onto the shrunken human fetus in a jar. The fetus stared back, then blinked once. The man glared at the fetus, causing it to turn away in what he assumed was fear.

He spoke in a deadpan voice, "You know, between this lab of yours, and all your experiments, you could make quite a tidy sum of money on Halloweens, by using it as a means to amuse the lower ranks..." he paused thoughtfully, and considered his next words carefully, "That, or you could scare the ever loving fear of god into those petulant nobles that never leave their homes, other than to show off their petty grandeur."

Mayuri paused typing on his keyboard for a moment, actually considering what he assumed was the other male's suggestion. While he could use the extra funding, he didn't want to turn his precious laboratory into some childish amusement park. Then again, with the amount of empty-headed oxygen thieves living in Seireitei... If he could take money from at least an eight of that number, he would make a very sizable profit. With the money he'd be able to pay for the construction of several devices important to his research. He frowned thoughtfully, all it cost was some of his pride, and some idiots walking around his precious lab. He shrugged uncaringly, and went back to his work. "I shall consider your suggestion. Though I loath to admit it, your idea may, on a microscopic level, have some merit."

Several minutes passed in awkward silence. It was unusual for Kurotsuchi Mayuri to speak even slightly cordially to anyone, least of all Zaraki Kenpachi, and both of the men knew it. The sound of buttons being pushed at high speeds filled the silence for another several minutes, before finally stopping. The scientist let out a pleased sigh. "It is done. Place your book on the teleportation pad. The programming should take care of the rest once activated. Remember, I can only send one object through at a time, so you'd better not be trying to sneak anything other than the pages in that book."

A derisive snort came from the gruff warrior. "Yeah, yeah. No need to sound so condescending."

Kenpachi gave the aging book in his hand one final scrutinizing look, then nodded in satisfaction, and placed it onto the indicated pad. He then followed the scientist behind a Reiryoku draining screen; probably to prevent anything from interrupting the procedure. He glared at the shorter man when offered a pink, glittery pair of goggles. Spiteful bastard, he thought. "No... I'm good," he said, motioning at his eyepatch.

"Starting the procedure in T minus ten seconds. Keep your bodily parts behind the screen to avoid having them ripped from your person during the transition. Please note that I am in no way responsible if you, A, cease to exist, B, turn into a gigantic pink amoeba creature, or C, have a miraculous sex change. Though I feel you should know, if you do Indeed change into a woman, I can sell you some decent woman clothing, seeing as I doubt you'll find anything in your size."

The short man paused slightly, wondering, whether it was all that wise messing with time? He thought back to the project he had been working on before Zaraki Kenpachi approached him. Letting out an amused chuckle, he decided that, yes, this was indeed that much better than trying to create a woman friendly container for Mod-soul pills. With that final thought he pushed the red button, and a bright white flash filled the darkened laboratory.

* * *

_Unknown place_

The omnipotent being, comprising completely out of pure white light cracked open a single eye. "Foolish lower beings. Always causing trouble for me," the being seemed to grumble to itself. Closing its eyes in concentration, it focused on the object that would disrupt time and space and sent it off somewhere else that wouldn't interfere in the dimension it came from. The being then went back to sleep, idly wondering whether it should have ramen or spaghetti for breakfast. Yes, it had odd tastes in food...

* * *

_Somewhere, in an entirely different dimension..._

_Konoha, Forests_

_Time- Midnight._

A young blonde haired boy could be seen walking passed the many trees around him. One might wonder why exactly someone so young was out in the dark, when they could be home and asleep in bed?

The answer? Jinchūriki.

While only a word, it explained perfectly why the young boy found himself in his current situation. He was a Jinchūriki, and they usually tend to live difficult lives. Some even forced to live through constant assassination attempts from their own allies and supposed family. Luckily for Naruto, he didn't get the short end of the stick. Sure, he had a difficult time living within his village, and yes, he wouldn't be treated with the same courtesy any other child would receive; but at the very least, he didn't face constant threats on his life. As far as Jinchūriki went, he was treated at least somewhat acceptably, receiving only so much as the cold shoulder and glares from most of the populace. That didn't, however, stop a very small part of the whole from being spiteful to the young five-year-old.

His landlord, having a petty mind and attitude, didn't seem to care what his disposition toward the young child would cause. In his mind, turning off the "demon-brat's" power at 5pm to save costs on electricity wasn't worth being guilty over.

Naruto, still only a young child, shared some traits common in other children his age. He was afraid of the dark. To remedy this, he would walk around at night, under the light of the moon and stars until he felt tired enough to retreat home, and finally, slumber.

That was the plan anyway, and usually it would go off without a hitch; tonight, however, would mark the divergence from the path destiny had laid out for him.

Naruto was startled by the sudden sound of wind and a bright flash above him. Immediately he looked up, searching for what he had just witnessed, only to get hit smack-dab in the face by a rather heavy book.

With involuntary tears running down his cheeks and nursing his stinging nose, the blonde youth glared balefully at the target of his ire. His eyes widened in disbelief. A book had hit him in the face. A book! One that had just appeared out of thin air!

While his mind was trying to comprehend how it could have possibly appeared from nowhere, his body slowly and warily edged closer to the object. Was this the result of one of those ninja techniques he had heard so much about? Or did it fall from some alien spaceship the had flown by the planet? Maybe that white flash was a dimensional portal from a world governed by deities, and the book was sent here for a very important reason? Perhaps they wanted the words in this tome to be spread to the masses? His eyes widened in childish wonder. What if they wanted him to be the prophet that did that task?

The blonde youth grinned brightly, picking up the seemingly archaic tome, and holding it reverently. He was going to be a messiah! How awesome is that? Slowly his eyes traced up to the title of the book, noting every scratch and smudge on the worn looking cover.

Thanking his luck that the full moon was out and bright on this night, the blonde began to read. With disbelieving eyes, he read the title aloud. "_Zaraki Kenpachi: The greatest badass of all_."

Naruto sighed, all ideas of being a messiah leaving his mind. "Wha' the hell 's this?," he murmured in his childish voice. Scowling, he decided to give this book the benefit of the doubt and opened it to the first page. He blinked, it looked like there was a crumpled note stuck onto the first page. With narrowed eyes, he warily read the note.

_I write this damned book in the hopes that it will reach your(or should I say 'my'?) hands, before I became the person I am today. I managed to wrangle a favor out of that crazy bastard Mayuri to help me in that regard. He told me not to write anything 'detrimental'. Something about destroying existence as we know it, due to breaking some laws about time; I wasn't really listening to the psycho. Whenever he starts speaking in that self-important holier-than-thou voice, my mind usually tends to drift off to more important thoughts; such as, how can Yachiru eat so damn much candy, yet not end up looking like one of those stubby, rotund noble brats?_

_Back to what I was writing before I trailed off. Yes, this is a book from you to you. Or from ME to me? Damnit, this time stuff still pisses me off. The only reason I'm even considering this, is because that arrogant prick, Kuchiki, has been pissing me off about not having a bankai, much less shikai, despite being a Captain.  
_

_Getting back on topic again. I write this in hopes that I don't screw up, and end up with a useless unresponsive Zanpakutou like I have now. If I achieve shikai( and maybe bankai) in the past, then logically I in the present should receive the knowledge on how to do it. I'm not a scientist, like the freak. Nor am I particularly smart in areas other than what I excel at. From what the bastard told me, this book should end up in my hands, or at the very least near enough to me, for me to notice. Dammit, all this writing is giving me a headache. Should I go bug Retsu for some medicine?(This sentence seemed hastily scratched out.)_

_I keep getting off topic. Maybe I should use all of this as a rough draft, and write something better?..(There appears to be an ink smudge, as if the writing implement had been rested on the paper for several minutes) Screw that, if I'm anything like me in the past, then I shouldn't give a flying fuck about pretty words, like the Old man does._

_This book contains much valuable wisdom I have obtained through my time spent as a great warrior. Consider everything I have written with great focus, it could, and probably will, help you greatly. _

_On to the important stuff:_

_Note. If you receive this while Yachiru is still around, then don't read any further. Keep this book around. You'll know when to read it again._

_Still here? Seriously, come back later. You back? Good. Now read the following words well._

_Suck it up and stop being a pussy. Are you a man or not? She wouldn't want you moping around because of her death. She enjoyed a good fight as much as you, and she wouldn't deny you that right with her gone. Besides, in a few years you'll meet someone without a name that will remind you of her greatly. Watch over her carefully, God knows how many times I took my eye off her only, for her to land her little brat ass into trouble. You will grow fond of her, I guarantee that._

_Now, on to less somber matters. One hundred years from now(if you just lost Her) all sort of hell will break loose in Seireitei. You probably wont care now, but once you join the ranks you'll find some amusement in your position. At the very least, you'll get to beat the shit out of the weaklings you become Captain of; as a bonus you'll also find a good challenging fight every now and then._

_You may wonder why I titled the book the way I did. I did it for two reasons. First, to get your attention that much better should you hate books as much as I do now. Second, comparing me as I am now to you, you're a rather pathetically weak boy. As far as the world is concerned, you aren't even worth the air you breath. This book will change that. It will tell you how I became to be who I am; more importantly, it will teach you to become me should you wish it._

_Within you will find everything, ranging from incredible recipes I came up for food while living in the wild( look up Tender spiced hollow steaks, you wont regret it), to the most effective training regime you could follow to achieve greater strength(Provided you don't kill yourself from it). The most important and valuable words you will find in this book, however, is all the experiences of my life, and the wisdom I collected from it. Remember this, knowledge is power. Sure, reading books are the crappiest of all pastimes, but there is no denying the value in knowing what to do when the situation goes FUBAR._

_I think that's about all I want to put into this note. I'll stick it in the first page of my journal, so that you see this after opening the book. I included an index on the next page at Yachiru's prodding. The little brat wouldn't shut up about directions again. There's no way I'd need directions, past or present, for a BOOK._

_Regards from your future self,_

_Zaraki Kenpachi._

_P.S. If you're wondering about the name, don't worry too much. I took it after I conquered the most blood-thirsty of all the districts. Don't go attempting that until you have gone through at least an eighth of the training regimes and all of the wisdom. I don't want to die a shitty death fighting useless opponents._

The cerulean eyed boy stared at the note in silent disbelief. Was this his future self that had sent the book to him? His eyes shined in awe as he silently contemplated everything that had happened to him.

Luckily, or unluckily for the young boy, he was still childish and naive, and thus didn't question the authenticity of the note. He was so starved for something interesting to happen in his rather dreary live, that he nearly immediately believed everything he read; though he didn't understand some of the words and terms used in the letter, he had a good idea of what his future self was trying to tell him. For a moment he pondered why the note seemed to tell him that decades and maybe even centuries seemed to pass before he sent the book. With a shrug, he wrote it off as a small mistake and didn't question it any further.

Turning the page the blonde saw the index that had been included in the book, and eagerly read through it, to get an idea of what he would learn in the very large book.

_Index_

_[If you're as easily annoyed as I am at turning pages, I included an auto shuffling seal, compliments of the Twelfth Division. To use it, place your finger on any number in the index, channel some Reiryoku, and the book will turn to the page you'd like to see.]_

_1. A brief summary of Reiryoku . (Page 5)_

_2. The training regime. (Page 7)_

_3. Useful recipes and cooking tips. (Page 56)_

_4. Division Eleven code of ethics. (Page 187)_

_5. Useful reading material. (Page 201)_

_6. The benefits of handicaps. (Page 221)_

_7. Journal entries[I only included those I thought were important]. (Page 250)_

_8. My faithful sword fighting style. (Page 483)_

_9. Shark Kung Fu- How to abuse for bar fighting. (Page 570)_

_10. Kido and its uses. (Page 633)_

_11. List of kido[Theory, incantations and descriptions]. (Page 640)_

_12. Hoho[Catching those runaway pussies]. (Page 708)_

_13. Drinking techniques and games. (Page 739)_

_14. Important points for taking care of a sugar-high brat[You'll need these]. (Page 788)_

_15. Proper haircare techniques. (Page 901)_

_16. Brass knuckles and their benefits. (Page 905)_

Naruto blinked thoughtfully, having read the index several times through, still trying to process what he had just read. "..Wha' is ethics and in..incaanteshens?," briefly, he wondered if he could find the meanings of those words somewhere. Maybe some kind of big book that would explain how to understand his current big book?

A sudden white flash filled the sky, similar to the one Naruto he witnessed earlier.

It was only through reflex that Naruto once again looked up to catch the flash, only the get smacked in the face with another ridiculously thick book. Cradling his slightly bleeding nose, the boy let out a pathetic sounding whimper. With a wary look to the sky, as if fearing something else would appear and hit him in the head, he slowly edged toward the book, and took cover underneath a low treebranch.

"Proper language, for brainless imbeciles with the name Zaraki Kenpachi- By Kurotsuchi Mayuri," the blonde youth read, noting idly that his left eyebrow was twitching in irritation. Who the hell did that guy think he was calling brainless? If he ever met the one who wrote the book, he'd kick his ass, he decided.

Naruto didn't question the coincidence of the book appearing just when he had thought of needing something like it. He didn't want to jinx things, only for his life to go back to the same boring one it was before the first book appeared.

Opening the second tome, he saw what he thought was an index, only instead of having numbers, titles, and page numbers, this index held only a single character and a page number next to each one. Grinning eagerly, he decided to see if the book could tell him what the word 'ethics' means.

Naruto placed the tip of his finger on the starting letter for the word he wanted like instructed in the previous book, and decided to channel this 'Reiryoku' stuff to his finger. He figured Reiryoku was just a cooler way of saying 'Chatra' for cool ninja. The youth had snuck into the shinobi academy and had listened in on a class where the instructor had explained how to access one's innate power; he had been practising since.

The large book started glowing in an ethereal blue light, scaring the young child. Just when he was about to pull his finger off from the book everything went black for the young boy.

Unknown to Naruto, he inhabited a physical body, while the book was comprised entirely of a spiritual nature. The moment he channeled his chakra, a combination of physical and spiritual energy, the book reacted the only way a spiritual construct could when faced with a physical being. The book dispersed, and entered his body, mind and soul.

* * *

_Time- An hour later._

A pained groan filled the silent night air, revealing a small blonde haired figure sitting up and clutching his head painfully. The boy winced as he slowly opened his eyes. "Owww... My head is killing me! Did I fall unconscious?," he seemed to blink in surprise. "Since when do I know the word unconscious, and since when do I understand it?"

The boy frowned, wondering what had happened before everything went black. He recalled wanting to find out what the word 'ethics' meant, and then doing that energy trick on the book, and then... nothing. His eyes widened in awe. "I know what ethics mean! But, how? I don't recall reading what it means."

With a look at his surroundings, the cerulean eyed youth took note that one of the two books were missing. Did the dictionary jump into his brain or something? He shook his head thoughtfully, it was the only explanation he could think of. He suddenly had a vast knowledge of words he had never even heard of before, and a book that was supposed to teach him words, had disappeared.

Naruto gave the remaining book a sceptical look. Would the same happen if he did it with the other book?

On one hand, he was unconscious for an undetermined amount of time after absorbing the first book, so who knew how long he would be out of it if he tried his luck with the other book. Then again, Naruto was never a very patient person. Why spend months or even years reading through a ridiculously thick book, when you could have everything crammed into your mind in one setting?

He wondered morbidly if his brain would melt from all that information.

Naruto looked at the book, then at the moon, and repeated this process for several minutes, contemplating what he would do. Finally he came to a decision.

"Screw it. I hate reading anyway."

With a smirk, the young boy grabbed the remaining book, channeled some chakra through his hand into it, and then, everything went black.

* * *

AN- I was reading some of the FFdotNet forums, and came across one where there was a discussion of Naruto finding a book, written by the blood thirsty swordsman of the 11th himself. I can't really recall where this was, but I'll give thanks to whomever inspired me, you know who you are.

I feel it would be boring, having to cover a 'training chapter', so I'll skip that and just use a time-skip. Reading through a bunch of training is usually never fun. I will, however, make use of minor flashbacks to give the reader an idea of what kind of training he went through, just not to the ridiculous extent you would see from reading a training chapter.

Review and let me know what you think so far. I understand that I am only an amateur author, and could use the feedback to improve my writing.


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